In most cases fatherless children don’t have relationship problems, they have unhealed childhood trauma that is disguising itself as relationship problems. If you grew up in a chaotic and dysfunctional household, where you felt very unsafe, it’s no wonder that you constantly find yourself trying to control people and situations. Just so things don’t get out of control like they did in childhood. This is what growing up or coming from a dysfunctional family may sound like;
Fatherlessness is a state of having no father because he is either dead or absent from home. Some fathers are physically present but emotionally absent. And this is the largest number of fathers that exists. Some of which are toxic fathers who all they do is cause trauma to their children.
Fatherlessness could occur because of death, incarceration of a father and divorce. However, others have absent fathers courtesy of toxic mothers who won’t let their children meet their fathers. Just because your father was present during your childhood doesn’t mean that he was present for you emotionally.
A father is supposed to be a child’s very first role model of masculinity and what it looks like for a man to treat a woman. That experience has so much to do with the type of men they attract subconsciously. We all have to be aware of the relationships where our inner child is seeking a father figure to soothe unhealed wounds. Hurt parents who haven’t healed, end up hurting their children who will need to heal
It is said that every child has a hole in their soul in the shape of their father if their father is missing. They then begin to fill up the hole with alcohol and drugs, relationships. Children who didn’t grow up with their fathers begin to give what they didn’t get. There is the law of reciprocity that is called give and it shall be given unto you again. So, in the process of giving out what you want, it comes back to you. Parenting doesn’t come with a textbook we learn as we go. And sometimes parents are afraid that they won’t do it right that they don’t do it at all.
Growing up some children had their fathers to feel safe. While others had to attempt to learn how to create that feeling of safety within themselves and this is how children’s emotions get neglected. Below are some signs your emotions where neglected as a child.
- Tendency to bury your own emotions
- Don’t ask for help
- Judge yourself harshly
- You feel guilty and ashamed about your needs
- You strive for perfection
- Extra sensitive to rejection
- Easily overwhelmed and discouraged.
EFFECTS
Similar to other pandemics, fatherlessness is a silently growing pandemic which is sadly highly neglected, fatherless children are prone to the following;
It has long-term effects on young women because as they date they are constantly looking out for traits similar to those of their father that way they don’t date similar men hence becoming subconsciously cautious. When a daughter grows up without her father’s emotional presence, she will grow up searching externally for the validation she never received from him in childhood. This often results in her attracting men like her father who are emotionally unavailable as well. And how can we blame the parenting skills of our fathers when they too were probably raised by a similar father with similar traits in other words they were not exposed to better parenting.
And in most cases fatherless children don’t have relationship problems, they have unhealed childhood trauma that is disguising itself as relationship problems. If you grew up in a chaotic and dysfunctional household, where you felt very unsafe, it’s no wonder that you constantly find yourself trying to control people and situations. Just so things don’t get out of control like they did in childhood. This is what growing up or coming from a dysfunctional family may sound like;
- I will not end up like my father
- My kids will not feel the way I did growing up
- I will never be with someone like my father
- My marriage will be nothing like my parents’
- I won’t turn into the kind of the parent I had
- When I get out, my house will feel like a home
Fatherlessness comes with a default black tax. Black tax is a term that originated in South Africa for money that Black (or other person of color) professionals provide to their family every month outside of their own living expenses, usually out of obligation. It is caused by continued economic imbalance that can be traced back to apartheid and slavery. Children are expected to take care of their siblings and mother since the head of the house is absent.
Fatherless children are more likely to be aggressive and quick to anger. Quiet anger is more volatile and because of this, parents who didn’t grow up with their fathers tend to pass on their aggression to their children.
They are also prone to emotional distress and when they are introverted, this magnifies the sense that they are alone in the world and that no one understands what they are feeling. Depression is more likely to be experienced in young fatherless teens.
Having an emotionally unavailable father is enough for a child to create the belief that they are somehow unlovable. We have to teach our children to be contented with not being perfect.
Likely to perform poorly in school. Children growing up in fatherless house-holds accounts for 71% of high school dropouts. Some are likely to be incarcerated and die by suicide. Fatherless children are twice as likely to end up in prison later in life since they are prone to drop out of school, aggression, and negative influences. 65% of youth associated with fatherless homes are suicidal.
Fatherless children are most likely to turn to drugs. Because while the mothers are busy with work and sisters studying, the children spend too much time alone and end up making friends way older than them meaning that whatever they do, your children partake to pass time.
People pleasers often start out as parent pleasers and parent therapists from childhood. A child cannot be their parent’s therapist. Being a parent to your parent is a trauma.
SOLUTIONS
In other people’s perspective an absent father would be better than the presence of a toxic one and having a toxic father can be just as difficult as having an absent father. Never the less there are multiple ways to overcome and heal from fatherlessness.
Father children could opt to find surrogate fathers such as uncles, grandfathers, mentors, godfathers, and father-figures, people who can play the role of their fathers to lead and make them feel safe.
During the healing process, let it be known that they their fathers weren’t the parent they needed. Let that be their story. Your story can be how you rescued what your father wounded and believe that your worth is not determined by your father’s ability to recognize it.
We also need to be sure not to spend our whole lives looking for the love our fathers never gave us because Fathers may never acknowledge the pain that they put you through instead you can still take-action to heal anyway.
Fatherless children should heal before having children so their children don’t have to heal from them as a parent keeping in mind that they can’t heal what they refuse to feel because it’s very important to grieve the love you always wanted from your father but never received.
It’s okay to acknowledge your parents did the best they could and realize at the same time – it was still traumatic for you.
Hiring a therapist who specializes in family matters would be a great start for a meaningful and practical healing process or journey. It may be somewhat costly but completely worth it.
TESTIMONIES
- This totally breaks my heart… First, I didn’t want to have children because I grew up without a father and I know all the struggle and the pain. I’ve talked about my problems, I had professional help and I was ready to open up for love. I met this perfect guy… Who I felt deeply in love with… 2years later… I’m pregnant and suddenly he is acting like he isn’t that into me anymore. This hurt like hell, it looks like my child is going to be without a father… Just like me. It hurt me so much cause it’s my first child, I am supposed to be happy. But I’m sad thinking about an abortion. I’m over the 30, I have a job and my own house… I can give this child anything he needs… But I wouldn’t be able to give him a father’s love… I feel like I have failed and I just want to die. Cause no child deserve being born in this situation. I feel like a failed, I failed myself and my unborn child. This is not okay.
- I grew up without a father I’ve spoken to him 3 times throughout my life twice around the age of 5 or 6 but he was only around to try and get in my mother’s pants again and once I saw him when I worked with his best friend at the age of 14 he didn’t even want to give me 2 dollars to get a burrito his best friend gave him hell for that and it wasn’t intentional to work with his best friend just happened also I have faced all of these as well I have bad anger I barely passed high school by bringing up 4 f’s in the matter of two days not that I’m not smart it’s that I didn’t put effort into it I’ve been depressed and had suicidal thoughts I’m 18 now and recently got my self out of my home town where I’d party often and just was heading down a bad dark road but I can honestly say I’ve changed for the better and still am but I still honestly get depressed out of no where often sometimes the whole day sometimes for just an hour or so.
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Typically, when children grow up fatherless we may naturally think it’s due to the father choosing to avoid his paternal responsibilities in favour of filling his life with selfish and sensual I’m here to say that this is not always the case. In my personal story, I’ve been driven away from having an active, present role in my son’s life due to his mother’s desire to have him all to herself.
- I set up a beautiful nursery and home for him but just before he was to be born his mother decided to take him and go live with her parents. My son is now nearly 5 months old and I’ve never spent a single overnight with him. His mother has no intentions to ever leave her parents (she is 37) and give him the appropriate family life of a loving mother and father that he deserves. They take the baby out of state to their vacation home for weeks at a time and I barely see my son at all. From the beginning I have always wanted to be a consistent and nurturing father, there for my son each and every day. However, his mother and her parents have decided to make him their own and have severely alienated me in the process.
- There are so many reasons why a father may not be a regular part of their child’s life. I have been heartbroken over the situation I’m in. All I ever wanted was to be a father and I’ve been denied that because of the psychological issues of the mother to my son.
- I’m fatherless, never knew him, and it makes me feel really alone and helpless. It feels like no professionals are working or caring for the scared fatherless children and teens out there. It’s a major issue and getting to be more and more common, yet nobody seems to have a straightforward plan to help people with their daddy issues. It’s just frustrating.
